To me it’s incredibly funny that all of a sudden I find guys that find me attractive yet they all have girlfriends. It’s annoying and makes me mad beyond anything. It’s stupid.
It’s interesting how aggravated I get with the fact that I’ve never been in an actual relationship. I used to have little boyfriends here and there when I was fifteen and sixteen or whatever, but they never lasted more than a month. It’s weird how now I’m eighteen and a lot of my friends have been in serious relationships and started having sex and I feel so fucking pathetic and that I’m missing out on so much. I’m going to college feeling like a total loser. For a while I thought maybe it was because I was just simply unattractive and repulsive which is why I had never had a relationship. However, I was wrong. Recently, me and my friend went to a youtube meetup for a series where I met a bunch of awesome people. I had met a really nice good looking guy (who unfortunately has a girlfriend) who brought to my attention that I am actually a very good looking girl and that other boys who were at the meet up thought so as well. He was appalled to say the least that I had never been in a relationship and that I don’t get attention from guys. Although his kind words made me feel great, I was shocked that him and other guys had found me appealing. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have been very limited to guys since the guys in my town are complete scum bags. Unfortunately since I’m very inexperienced with guys I’m afraid that it’s going to be very hard for me to actually find someone that I’m comfortable with to develop a relationship and be sexual with. I feel like it’s very juvenile to feel this way but I can’t help it. I don’t know.
Well here I am. Leaving for college in a few weeks and I keep wondering what the hell I got myself into. I understand it’s supposed to be a “journey” in order to “find myself” and figure out what I want to do but I can’t help but be stressed and feel like a complete mess. I don’t want to live with anyone since I’m used to being alone pretty much all of the time. I wouldn’t call myself “socially awkward” I know how to handle myself around people, it’s just that I hate being around people CONSTANTLY. It’s funny because that’s pretty much what college is about, right? Being around people 95% of the time. I keep kicking myself for not starting out by going to a community college for the first two years. Then again, it’s better for me to get out of here and move on with my life since this town has made my life a living hell for so long. I don’t know. The entire situation is bittersweet and I’m stressed beyond anything.